


Anti-Repression

by ThunderDownOnGreenside



Series: The Many Ways to Come Together [4]
Category: Free!
Genre: Drabble, M/M, MikoRin, On the short side, SeijuuRin, Seirin, What is this pairing even called
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-19
Updated: 2014-01-19
Packaged: 2018-01-09 07:51:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1143432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThunderDownOnGreenside/pseuds/ThunderDownOnGreenside
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is in this way that he keeps himself sane.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anti-Repression

**Author's Note:**

> God I love this pairing too much for it to be healthy T_T Just a little drabble, most of the characters other than Rin are just mentioned. Hope you like :D

Rin Matsuoka is very good at remembering things.

 

  
This skill is not limited to the grand or to the small, no; his abilities cross the diverse, allowing him to recall not only the picture but every flower in it, not only the latest list but also the five or six that came before it.

 

  
It is in this way that he keeps himself sane.

 

  
Years and years of schoolwork and mundane lessons remain crammed inside his head, every teacher’s voice echoing out of nowhere at his subtle command, equations and grammar rules and names and dates and faces. Even now he throws himself into his lessons, committing every last bit of it memory, searing it all permanently into his brain, not so he has it when he needs it, but just because he can. He has control over this. It gives him something else to focus on, something that isn’t the sunlight or the water or old friends or golden eyes and -

 

  
Years and years of passing thoughts, every second spent in pain another moment of weakness. He both tortures and saves himself with crystal-clear memories of Haruka and Makoto, of Nagisa and Gou, of swimming with old friends and believing in something better, something brighter, something…something…

 

  
What was it?

 

  
He remembers the little things best, despite everything. Minute touches, lullabies from his childhood, old sailing songs and hushed giggling when the lights were out and he and his sister were supposed to be sleeping. He remembers -no, he  _treasures_  - all of these little things, from the sound of Makoto’s laughter to his teammate’s cheering voices to Nitori’s elated smile when he finally,  _finally_  figured out his English homework without Rin’s help. He clings to these little things like he would to a loved one, entertains them over and over until he knows that he will never forget them.

 

  
It’s this skill in memory that makes him worry.

 

  
Most of his peers can’t even recall what they had for breakfast that morning, let alone last week or last year. All of the beauty in the mundane is lost to them, and while that’s not his problem, one thing concerns him. He remembers things for their importance, for their significance, even if it is just a passing glance in the hallway. Everything has some sort of value and deserves to be filed away; whether or not he uses it is entirely up to him.

 

  
But that’s just the thing. What if he’s the only one who thinks that it’s important? What if those old encounters have all been forgotten by his old friends? What if Nitori has already lost the memory of the times they got along? What if…what if…

 

  
What if  _what_?

 

  
 _What is it?_

  
All those flashes - gold and scarlet with pulses of warmth and camaraderie and little bits and pieces here and there of pure confidence and kindness - why does he have to remember those? Why does he have to recall with perfect clarity every little brush on the way out of the locker room, every back slap, every bad note when the bastard sang in the shower? Why,  _why_  does he have to hold onto something that he just  _knows_  has already been forgotten? His captain lives in the moment, and more power to him for it - Rin lives in the past, never able to foresee the consequences because the future doesn’t exist, the moment isn’t real. Nothing is real except for his memories, those glimmers of happiness and warmth and tight hugs and goodnight kisses and a bright, encouraging smile that he never, ever deserved.

 

  
And that’s what scares him.

 

  
How can something so real to him, something so potent and so alive, potentially mean nothing to someone else? If they’ve forgotten his reality…will they forget him too?

 

  
Even worse is that he  _can’t_  forget, and he knows because he’s tried. He’s tried so hard to block out Haruka’s blue eyes and Nagisa’s joyful voice and Makoto’s encouraging words. He’s struggled to turn away from thoughts of Gou’s hugs and unconditional love for him, and he’s never stopped attempting to banish all of his sane memories of Nitori, if not to have an easier time being angry at him.

 

  
But mostly - and this has been of late, really - he’s been desperately trying to forget his captain. Even the memories of their contact sends shivers up his tense spine and he knows that he’s done for if he can’t push the thoughts away. He closes his eyes and sees gold. He falls asleep and dreams of warmth. He grows angry and realizes, to his horror, that he doesn’t quite see red anymore. It’s scarlet, all scarlet, and he just can’t do it.

 

  
That’s one thing he can’t remember: when it all started. How had it happened? He clearly recalls wanting to throttle the man one day, planning out elaborate ways of murdering him so he would stay away from Gou - and then suddenly he’s gotten  _attached_ , finding his jokes funny and his attitude contagious and everything about him just…just…

 

  
It’s too much, it really is, but Seijuurou is not the type of person who is easily forgotten.

 

  
But that doesn’t mean that Rin can’t try.


End file.
